Hope on a Lonely Day

I don't know when it started to be so important for me to succeed and excel at everything I did. Or when I got obsessive about it, and couldn't handle fucking up even for one second. Or when I got so wrapped up in it that I'd either succeed or quit before I had the chance to fail. But it happened regardless, and I got caught up in it. And now ... Now, I just don't know what to do.

To be perfectly melodramatic, it feels like everything's falling apart - like the solid rock I had in my hands that was my life started to crumble, turning into sand and now I'm struggling to keep it in my grasp - but the harder you grip sand, the more you lose. I know that. But it's hard for me to go from knowing something like that to putting it into practice.

I really should be proud of myself, of everything I've achieved and everything that I'm still working to achieve. But I'm not. It's like none of it means anything to me, and it should. I know that. I really, really do. But it's much more difficult to convince my mind of that.

I got a 4.0 again this semester. From freshman to junior year of college, my cumulative GPA is a 3.898. And it's meaningless. Absolutely, utterly fucking meaningless. I don't care. I didn't try. I didn't deserve the A I got in one of those classes. Hell, probably more than just that one. My Shakespeare professor wants me to make a few changes to the paper I wrote and submit it to a journal or present it to a conference. My writing professor told me I have a natural grasp on the English language or something along those lines. I got perfect scores on almost all of my essays in another class. Another was a joke. And the last … I didn't try, and you could tell, but she was generous. I know people who would love to have my grades, and I just don't care. I mean… I do, but I don't. I'd flip out if I didn't have them, but it doesn't mean I try for them, which is probably even worse.

In a year, I will graduate from college with a Bachelor's Degree in English, with a concentration in Literature. Provided I don't fuck up. Yeah. My family and those close to me would say something like 'yeah, right.' But they don't know what's running through my head. Luckily. There's this quote from Ophelia Speaks that says, "So-called perfect girls feel trapped by others' expectations" (xii). It's true, so fucking true, and I wish it wasn't.

I go through my life afraid that at any given moment, I'm going to fuck up. And when I do, it drags me down so abruptly that I can't get control of myself again. I am terrified of messing up. I try not to make mistakes with people I care about but it doesn't always work. I get so caught up in what I'm doing that I neglect to consider the feelings of those around me. And I don't mean to. But like I tell people who screw up with me, who say they'll be there and they aren't, or whatever else… Your intention doesn't matter. What matters is the result. It's not fair, and I know it, but I hold myself to that same standard. If I mess up, and I know I've messed up, I acknowledge it. I may hate every second of it, but I at least owe people that much.

It's so hard for me to accept things that when I do screw up, I want to just give up entirely. I need to stop. Like right now … I'm so close to quitting my job, and it's for a stupid reason. I know perfectly well I couldn't find a job better than the one I have now. I do. And I've already been there a year, so it'd be pretty stupid to start over elsewhere. But I'm fed up, and when I'm fed up, I either acknowledge the situation and get past it … or give up entirely. I am so tired of doing the latter, but I'm not sure I can pull myself out of this.

So here's something else to think about – I can't do everything by myself, but depending on other people about kills me. Just because I'm impatient and want to get things done a certain way. It's stupid, and I'm trying to work on it. And change … deviation from my norm bothers me to the point I can't accept it. I'm trying but it isn't working. And I'm going to do like what I always do – turn into a self-pitying mess and lose the things I've held dear because I can't get myself together long enough to fix it instead of bitch.

Even as I write this, my mood has been uplifted. I realize that it's not so hopeless, and that I will manage to fix things. I always do. Besides… work just called me, and they want to bump me up to working every day for a while. Not sure how long, but it'll be extra hours and something to do. Which I desperately need. Plus, they want to keep me. I'd said I was going to start looking elsewhere because I can't do the sales part of my job – I have tried but it isn't working. But my manager talked to the branch manager and the district manager, and it's possible something might be worked out. Not sure what yet, but we'll see. At the very least, they do know I'm trying, and I really don't want to leave. I'm spoiled with that job, I swear.

Things will look up. I will make them. Even if it fucking kills me. (Which it might.) I have things to do. I do have my few friends who care about me and who I care about in turn. And I'm starting to believe in emotion again.

Anyway, I'm going to end this with a song, quote and a word for the day.

SONG

"Lonely Day" by System of a Down

QUOTE

"I was beginning to understand, though, that there were no such things as absolutes, not in life or in people. Like Owen said, it was day by day, if not moment by moment. All you could do was take on as much weight as you can bear. And if you're lucky, there's someone close enough by to shoulder the rest."

-Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

WORDS:

vitiate \VISH-ee-ayt\, transitive verb:
1. To make faulty or imperfect; to render defective; to impair; as, "exaggeration vitiates a style of writing."
2. To corrupt morally; to debase.
3. To render ineffective; as, "fraud vitiates a contract."

And because sometimes I forget the meaning…

hope noun, verb

–noun

1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5. something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

–verb (used with object)

6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7. to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

–verb (used without object)

8. to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9. Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).