Acceptance

I'm not exactly sure if I should be angry or not, but I think I've just settled on miffed and exasperated. (hehe, miffed is a funny word.) So, stupidly I started talking to Chris again, because I give people too many chances sometimes. He's been moody and strange lately, so I haven't been putting all that much effort into it. Well, today we're having a conversation about stuff, and he asks me if I know of any online places to meet people. I just replied no, not really; I tend to just pick up people by accident when I do, and usually from MUDs and stuff. So he's like … listing the people he knows, but doesn't include me. Which is fine; I really don't care if he doesn't mention me because I pretty much assume it's understood despite problems we've had. I do the same, listing just the people I talk to online. It's not that many, really, and I didn't mention him either. So he makes a snarky comment about me not mentioning him, at which point, I'm just … wtf? So that gets settled and then we keep talking. The conversation goes something like this (bold and italics added):

[09:00] Chris: This may sound especially callous, but half the reason I've been trying to reform my life is that I don't want to obtain your mindset. Of course I hope you feel better too.

[09:00] Chris: Now I just need to find reliable friends.

[09:00] Raissa: You don't want to obtain my mindset?

[09:00] Chris: I don't want to be constantly depressed, no.

[09:00] Raissa: ...Wow.

[09:01] Chris: That wasn't meant to be any kind of insulting at all.

[09:01] Raissa: Actually, I'm not. I've come a long way lately, and while I've been down a good bit, I'm accepting that the way I am isn't my fault - that I'm trying and people who actually care won't hold it against me.

[09:01] Chris: I'm glad.

[09:01] Raissa: That wasn't meant to be insulting? Jesus christ, Chris.

[09:02] Raissa: Fine. Then don't risk it. Don't talk to me, and we'll BOTH be happier.

[09:02] Chris: That's why I made clear to point out that I hope you feel better. And we don't talk so I didn't know that you were making progress, but I'm really glad to hear it.

(Raissa blocks Chris.)

Seriously. I may not be the happiest person in the world, and I may be moody sometimes, but I'm not constantly depressed anymore. I might sound delusional, but seriously. I'm not the happiest about how my life is going, but I'm starting to accept that it's not going to stay this way. Requisite Johnny quotes:

"Dear Die-ary, the passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often, it seems, I've succumbed to less-than admirable compulsions, driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine. So many things inside that I can do without - desires and urges and what not. So extraneous."

I'm learning to accept myself the way I am. Yeah, there are some changes I'd do well to make, but making too many would change who I am completely. And I kinda like having a different outlook on the world. It's not a bad one. It can lend itself to loneliness, because to see things differently isolates you. But wanting to see the world like everyone else does only uses flawed reasoning. We're unique for a reason, and it's about damn time I accept that. So I suppose I should be thanking him – except not, because his ego's big enough and he really offended me.

"Dear Die-ary, there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."

And on that note, my next new goal: to write a journal every day by at least listing a 'word of the day (or words if I feel the urge).' I'll be stealing it from dictionary.com unless I think it's too simplistic.

-----Raissa's Words of the Day for 3 April 2007-----

Profligate: openly and shamelessly immoral; excessively wasteful. Also, a person who is these things.

Cogitate: to think deeply or ponder.

Animadversion: harsh criticism or disapproval; remarks by way of criticism and usually of censure.

My word addiction never ceases to astound me. And on that note, I'm off to finish up a few things before work. I have an 'appointment' tonight for some awesome rp so I want everything to be done beforehand.