Life is Only Slowly Freezing to Death

I'm starting to think that my life has been nothing more than a failed experiment.

I'm so unhappy with everything, and I don't know when it'll get better – if it even will.

I made the analogy a few days ago that I felt like I was freezing to death. From what I've read, it goes something like this – It's so cold, and so painful, and it's hard to keep going. You struggle, and you fight, and you know you need to keep moving. But eventually, your body starts to give up, to accept defeat. You start to get warm, complacent. You know that if you just lie down and curl up, it'll stop hurting. But in your heart, your mind, you know you need to get up, keep going, keep moving. And it's the hardest thing you'd ever do – to get out of that daze, to struggle, and keep going.

I feel like I'm freezing to death, and I don't know how to make that feeling stop. I don't know if I want to even keep trying because god, it hurts so badly.

Last night, I put myself on the line. At someone's request, I admitted to one of those deep, dark secrets that lurk in the shadows and never see the light of day. They aren't discussed. They're shoved away to the back of your mind where they live, and when they threaten to flare up, you push them back again. Well, I risked myself. I trusted. And he told me he didn't think he could be that for me. I told him I didn't expect him to. And he told me that if I didn't, I wouldn't have told him. I lost it. He asked. In my mind, if you ask something, be prepared for an answer – otherwise, why ask? ("Questions are dangerous, for they have answers." – Jacqueline Carey.) He told me later that he's used to people just not answering. I asked him countless times if he really wanted to know. He said yes. I hesitated. I held back, and he persisted. So I told. And to have him come back like that … It felt as though my heart was being crushed within my chest. I physically hurt so badly I could barely breathe.

He called. We talked about it. It seemed like it was going to be almost okay, even though I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep from holding it against him or not. But I was going to try, because he knew he'd said something wrong. And he knew why. So it was dumb of me to hold it against him. I accepted that. I was going to do everything I could to keep from doing it. And I think I would've succeeded.

But then this evening … I realized exactly how much I expect of people. I was fine when he said he might be going out. I was fine when he was busy doing something important. I was fine until he told me that he wasn't leaving, that as soon as he was finished what he was doing, I'd have his full attention and we could talk and role play and all – only to out of nowhere tell me that he was going out after all, without even seeming to acknowledge that it was going to bother me. And maybe that's my fault. I can't help that it upsets me. I hate when people say they'll do something … especially when it's someone I care for so fiercely, that I enjoy talking to so much, whose company I enjoy so thoroughly, and I let myself hope.

Hope. "The things we love destroy us every time." And that's because of hope.

So I lost my control. I showed him what he'd said – he told me he'd stay, since he'd said he would. I told him no, not to bother, that I didn't want him here. He left. I called and told him I hadn't meant it – I hadn't. The last thing I wanted was for him to go, but I was hurting and I lashed out. But somehow the conversation shifted, until I felt like he really was just getting fed up with my reactions – that I got so upset the night before, then tonight. So I told him what was running through my head. That I thought it might be best if we just ended things. This is the person I've let the closest in as long as I can remember, and I was just so afraid I'd continue to fail him, disappoint him, hurt him. He said okay. He said that if that's what I wanted, he'd let me go. In my mind, I was screaming, Of course I don't want it! I want to stop hurting you! I want to stop feeling hurt! But he went on, repeated it. And I thanked him for making it easier for me, and hung up.

Then proceeded to burst into tears.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this, why I hold people so fiercely to what they say. I think part of it is that I want them to disappoint me. I want them to fuck up. I want it to be easier to shove them away and go back to my safe place alone. It gives me an excuse to hurt, to push them away, to hate them. And especially after last night … any reason was good enough. Today was probably the test, the end-all, be-all of days, and it crashed. The rest of it, though … is that I want so badly, more than anything, to be proven wrong. I want someone to prove me wrong and show me that I'm not terrible, that they have hope in me, that they care, that they won't just let me go because I'm having a bad night. That it's okay to hold people to their word and expect them to do what they'll say and not do what they say they won't do.

But I don't think it's going to happen.

I just want to stop hurting. Maybe this is it for me. Maybe I'm just failing over and over and over. Maybe my life is a failure. I have no social skills, I hate the way everything's going. I hate myself. I don't see anything good happening in the future. I just see myself living this way forever, miserable and wanting to be saved from myself, wanting the motivation to save myself.

And I don't think I'll get it.

From the Past

I hate being utterly taken by surprise and then not knowing what to do. Lynn just called me. I haven't spoken to her in months. Since January 13^th, to be exact. She needed to get my address because she still has something of mine, but instead of just asking, she tries to have this conversation. I don't know what the fuck to say to her. She hurt me so badly, by barely talking to me for a few months up to that point as it was. I can't handle it when people just don’t talk to me for long periods of time. I hate it. And after all of that … she was talking to me like she expected everything to be okay. Just chatting like we'd talked last week, like we hadn't had a falling out the last time we'd spoken. Then commented on me sounding down. Of course I sound down. Everything sucks right now, in a major way. But why the hell should she care? Further, why the hell should I let her? It's hard enough for me to talk to people that I do know, and that I do talk to on a regular basis. But someone I haven't spoken to in ages? No. I'm sorry, but no. My phone cut out, and died, and she didn't call me back. I didn't call her back. And I just stood on the porch for a long moment, just staring. I couldn't even think of what to do or say or think or anything. It's bad enough that everything else has been so crappy; I don't need this reminder from the past making it that much worse. I don't. And on that optimistic note…

Busy in all Senses of the Word...

Okay, I'm ready to collapse. I've been going, going, going since 8:30 a.m. Well, before then even. I was up until around 2 a.m., knowing full and well I had to be up for 8-ish for work. So at 6:15 a.m., the dog starts going crazy, barking up a storm. Maxx does that sometimes. It's not always anything (I don't think) but he would not stop. So after yelling at him (yeah, really smart, because that's so going to help), I decided I might actually want to go see what's up. Now, embarrassing as this is to admit … I was burning up before bed, so I decided to sleep in just my undies. (Yes, I'm sure you wanted to know this.) I get out of bed, without my contacts in, not knowing where my glasses are – so I'm freaking blind as a bat. I barely manage to get out of the bed without breaking my neck, groggy and sightless as I am, and grab my mom's thick bathrobe, hoping that'll shield me and all. I get to the front door, and there's someone in the yard. Maxx is going crazy, I'm standing there in a bathrobe having just gotten out of the bed and I can't see jack shit. And there's a guy in the yard, yelling out our roommate's last name. So I'm just blinking, trying to see what the hell he looks like but I have no clue. I can't see. I think I said something along the lines of "I'll get her." Meandered back into the house – I think I closed the door. Heh. Knocked on our roommate's door and told her some guy was there. She asked what time it was, and I had no fucking idea. Didn't look at the clock until I got back in the room, then I groaned and went back to bed.

Got up for work, got there right on time, exhausted as anything but pretending to be awake. Busy, busy, busy day. Then as per usual when I'm working with this specific teller, something major came up. I swear, every time she and I work, we end up with some huge problem that she has to take care of while I run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to take care of the lobby and drive through. Got out at 12:15 by some miracle, but it was storming so I had to be extra careful on the drive back.

My dog gave me the most pathetic puppy eyes in the world because he wanted to get out of the rain. So like any self-respecting dog owner, I took him inside . . .

. . . and promptly proceeded to give the mutt a bath. Poor dear. Got in from the rain, only to be put in the bathtub.

I then washed the bedsheets, vacuumed the house, cleaned the kitchen, cooked food, did another load of laundry, remade the bed . . . and now I sit here on my ass, still caught in "putting off research paper-it is." Yeah, it's a serious disease, that.

So I'm sitting here, when I should be doing work, enjoying some free form role play as I chat with another few people, and text message someone else – in pretty good spirits, really. And I've come to a conclusion.

Cadbury Crème Eggs are egg-stremely (heheh, I couldn't resist… -ahem-) are extremely obscene little candies. I assume anyone reading this knows what one is, but if you don't, it's an egg shaped hollowed out chocolate with … creamy stuff in the middle. It is white and thick. But uh. Unlike other . . . comparable liquids, this is extremely sweet. Okay. Yes. I was eating one, and it's a little messy, so it got on my chin, and I had to resist bursting out laughing because of the density and the . . .

Not that I would know what said comparable liquid tastes or feels like or anything like that. –coughs–. Yes. Um. Okay. So this entry is just digging me into a hole here. –groans– I need to quit while I'm behind.

And on that note, the words of the day:

Algolagnia (noun): sexual pleasure derived from giving or receiving pain, as in masochism and sadism.

Concupiscence (noun): sexual desire; lust; ardent, usually sensuous, longing.

Epistemophilia (noun): a love of knowledge, especially excessive.

It just felt appropriate! (Take that however you want, pervs.)

THE END!

Tiny Unicorns

I'm resurrecting this line of conversation, because it makes me laugh so hard every time. Background? Laptop wasn't cooperating. Laptop was making funny thumping noises (turns out it was the fan) and I sent it off to get fixed. It was decided that the noises resulted from a tiny unicorn living within it …

2006:

[21:58] Raissa: My fucking laptop is making a noise.
[21:58] Caellyndria: there's a tiny unicorn in it
[21:58] Raissa: I think there is!

-----

[22:45] Candace: YOU KILLED THE LAST UNICORN
[22:45] Me: -sniffles-
[22:45] Me: I HAD TO
[22:45] Candace: What will virgin princes ride NOW?!
[22:45] Me: ...
[22:45] Me: Do you really want me to answer that?
[22:45] Candace: Hahahaha
[22:46] Me: VIRGIN PRINCESSES!
[22:46] Candace: HOT!
[22:46] Me: I mean, it'll certainly boost the population.
[22:46] Me: I think I'm doing the world a great service.
[22:46] Candace: The world has lost some of its great mysticism this sad day.
[22:47] Me: Yes, and I'm the cause of it.
[22:47] Me: Hmm... does that make me like... the evil dictator or something?
[22:47] Candace: More like satan
[22:47] Candace: or an incarnation of something similar!
[22:48] Me: Hmm... I like the sound of that. Better consult Peter's Evil Overlord List, so I can stay in power
[22:49] Candace: take care not to make a fatal mistake!
[22:49] Candace: And no monologues!
[22:50] Me: Mwahaha.
[22:50] Me: I will NEVER ASK THE UNICORNS if they have one last wish! EVER!
[22:50] Candace: It would ask for a last smoke.
[22:50] Me: It would?
[22:50] Candace: And then as it leaned down to take the light you offer
[22:50] Candace: It would GORE YOU WITH ITS HORN!
[22:51] Candace: So, you really avoided tragedy there.
[22:51] Me: Ooh, kinky.
[22:51] Candace: it's only kinky if it's dead
[22:51] Candace: Oh wait...
[22:51] Me: Nah, that goes from kinky to downright perverted.
[22:51] Candace: Hahaha ew
[22:51] Me: Not to mention I think it's illegal in this section of the woods.
[22:51] Candace: I think buttsex is still illegal here.
[22:52] Me: Better tell Dustin to keep it in his pants then! -hides!-
[22:52] Candace: I do not care for the buttsecks!
[22:52] Me: You walked right into that one!
[22:52] Candace: hahaha

------

[15:43] Raissa: No. The fucking problem I've already had to send my laptop off TWICE over is acting up again.
[15:44] Candace: uh oh
[15:44] Raissa: I'm going to have to send it off again.
[15:44] Candace: ... you can't kill mythical beasts
[15:44] Candace: not forever
[15:44] Candace: they live on
[15:44] Raissa: lol. different problem
[15:44] Candace: in the imaginations of children
[15:44] Candace: and in stories
[15:44] Candace: the unicorns are there in spirit
[15:44] Candace: plucking around on the insides

-----

2007:
(about bad rp)
[02:14] Candace: Let's sic the tiny unicorn on it.
[02:14] Raissa: ROFL. Yes. Let's. I'll just go dig it out of its little box.
[02:15] Candace: A dented steel box.
[02:15] Candace: From horn gorgings.
[02:15] Raissa: Yes, that one.
[02:15] Candace: Oh god.
[02:15] Candace: Did I show you the shirt I got?
[02:15] Raissa: Nope
[02:16] Candace: http://topatoco.com/itson.html
[02:16] Raissa: one sec
[02:16] Candace: (guess which one I'm betting on)
[02:21] Raissa: LOL
[02:21] Raissa: That's awesome

-----

Alright, so, this is in lieu of a serious entry that actually talks about what's going on in my fucked up head. Ah well, I have time for that later. For now, I just wanted a laugh.


Raissa's Word of the Day:

Nuzzle: to cuddle, using your nose or face to rub against someone. (It sounds so obscene but it's cute! And I just had to. Cheers to the person who'll understand that.)

And thank you, Caellyndria, for this ... awe-inspiring video... http://www.mybarbarian.com/mb-web/video/unicorns_hi.mov.

Quizzes

You know it's sad when even online quizzes point out how freaking insane you are.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Global Personality Test:

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
paranoid tendencies, irritable, anxious, fidgety, dependent, worrying, emotionally sensitive, prone to regret, depressed, second guesses self, somewhat fragile, dislikes change, prefers organized to unpredictable, suspicious, phobic, craves attention, not a risk taker, low self control, very sensitive to criticism, unadventurous, does not make friends easily, defensive, obsessive, low self esteem

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability |||||||||| 33% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56% Accommodation |||||||||||| 50% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||| 43% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||||||||||| 56% Religious |||| 16% Hedonism |||| 16% Materialism |||||||||| 36% Narcissism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Adventurousness || 10% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||| 23% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 63% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||| 36% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||| 57% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 70% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

From web.tickle.com (I'm sure this isn't extremely accurate, but a fun waste of time regardless):

Your IQ score is 129

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

Randomness

I've been extremely lazy these past few days, which is going to come back to bite me in the ass when it hits me how much homework I have left. Oh well. I've been enjoying myself. Watched a few movies, and rp'd a bit, got some stuff done for Subterranea last night.

Speaking of last night… So I had plans to go out with Leslie and some people, but the time kept getting pushed back, so I really didn't want to go. Then I ended up staying up half the night talking but it was fun.

Then today… The most incredible rp I've had, pretty much ever. Hands down. So intense, so amazing that it actually made me cry. Perhaps I'm that pathetic, but I don't know. I've never had rp affect me that much, on that level before but it was nice. Hopefully I'll get to continue with it soon.

Not really in the mood to go on and on, so I'll close with this link. Funny, funny, funny comic.

http://www.thenoobcomic.com/index.html

Word of the Day:

Obviate: To prevent by interception; to anticipate and dispose of or make unnecessary.

Song Lyrics:

Azam Ali's "Endless Reverie"

Waiting for the rain
For the skies lamenting
All around silence
Has its roots sunk deep

My longing lingers
My tresses twist
But in my isolation
All truth is empty

Waiting by the wayside
Of an endless reverie
Where all the things I run from
Are sure enough to find me

Would that love were something
Than a false slavery
To a god I don't know
And to all the things that tempt me

Then in the light of reason
Where truth is empty
The alchemy of sin
Would be revealed

Waiting by the wayside
Of an endless reverie
Where all the things I run from
Are sure enough to find me

The Prestige/Busy Spring "Break"

I just finished watching The Prestige. Pretty wild movie, that. It wasn't really my cup of tea, though I can't quite pinpoint why. It was interesting, but some of the plot felt like it dragged on, and it just seemed a little ridiculous at points. The good thing was that they didn't really leave any plot holes. Still, parts of it just felt like it was over the top. Ah well. Interesting to watch regardless.

So I really should be doing stuff. I've got a to-do list like a mile long for over spring break.

Shakespeare class: rough draft of research paper. This means going through a few books, watching four movies, and starting to develop coherent ideas. Gulp.

Comm class: get some info together on the 1950s, decide what's important enough to incorporate into the group speech.

Exposition: travel/nature essay. Need to develop an idea and write the bloody thing. Also catch up on the like … eleven to thirteen (I'd have to check for the exact number) journal entries I should've been doing the entire semester. Oops.

Harry Potter: start coming up with ideas for the presentation, and work on the accompanying paper. (Are we seeing a trend here?)

Fiction: start the new short story that's due at the end of the semester. Catch up on journals, though I'm not as far behind as I am in Exposition.

Subterranea: building, helpfiles, crafts, more documentation.

Shadows of Isildur: I should actually be relieved that I'm so dependent on someone else and can't rp as much as I'd like.

Watch Firefly because Amanda lent it to me and I really liked what I saw – the first episode was nifty.

Bang my head repeatedly against the wall and get a fucking life.

Words of the Day:

Pablum: something (as writing or speech) that is trite, insipid, or simplistic.

Insensate: lacking sensation or awareness; inanimate; lacking human feeling; cruel; lacking sense; stupid. (wow, that has a lot of different meanings)

Recondite: difficult to understand; concerned with obscure subject matter.

Geez is NOT Spelled Geese

I submitted my blue eyes/gay marriage essay for peer review/workshopping for Exposition today, and we went over it. I like constructive criticism. It's helpful. However, I don't like constructive criticism when it reads like a personal attack. Tell me if an argument doesn't work. Tell me if I'm inconsistent. Tell me if my writing is weak, and where it's weak. I may not agree, but I'll listen.

However, don't ask me: "is all this anger derived from your mother's homosexuality?" Those of you who have read the essay – it was right after I had the part about the pledge of allegiance at the beginning. To my words 'words hold more power than most people realize,' he wrote "do they?" That seems a little odd to me. But then, maybe I do just think differently from most. Other comments included a "wha" at one point, as well as an "ok, we get it." I think the sole constructive comment was in response to my extremely sarcastic, 'Since we all want to be in the likeness of Jesus Christ, we must strive to be brown-eyed,' where he wrote, "whoops, why would anyone (ie Christians) want to read beyond this?" He might have a point there. But in the midst of his other comments, it's hard to take him seriously. With my statement, 'to calm the opposition, I suppose we ought to consider some sort of alternative … ' he writes, "They're already way too steamed to care at this point." Then goes on, when I'm making my 'shocking event' argument to say that (and I do quote): "Geese how does this help? Nobodys calm!" Geese! The new 'geez.' At the end, he goes on to write, "TOO ANGRY" in a little box, as well as (again, I quote) "your passionate… too passionate…your blind with rage, no one responds to that (with anything but anger)."

So. Needless to say, I was more than a little miffed by that too. I mean, don't tell me that a sarcastic paper is excessively angry and that I'm blind with rage. I wasn't. Actually, I was just being flippant. Even the 'I wouldn't read past this point' comment wasn't so bad – I've written similar before. I don't know. Plus, geez, as I said, is not spelled 'geese.'

Even though I'm writing on a topic that's rather controversial, I expect some respect – and I deserve it. I don't think I'm a perfect writer; I know I'm not. The whole point of the workshopping is to make something better. Needless personal attacks are … well, needless.

What has it been, this past week or few days or whatever? Open season on me?

Ah, well. Other things are halfway decent. Spring break is almost officially here. And my roleplaying has gotten extremely interesting. I love the interaction between my character and this other one. I love the tenseness, what's going on in the game world. It's new, different, and fun. Even if we end up dead, I won't regret any of it, because it really has been great. Of course, I say so now, but if it really happened, I know I'd be upset. Even so, at least it'll be fun in the meantime, and I do enjoy all of this.

I was thinking about writing and roleplaying in class. In both, conflict is interesting. And with conflict comes a risk, especially in an rp environment where once conflict is started, half of the control is given to those around you. It'd be like trying to stop a ball from rolling otherwise. It's different from writing in that regard – you could be so hopeful, want so desperately for things to work out, could know how it could work out, but it's not always in your control. The unpredictability is what keeps me going, though, even with the slight idea of what might happen. It keeps me interested. It's also less pressure on me, to be able to play off of others instead of simply replying on myself, since sometimes creativity eludes me. It's writing, character development, but getting so deeply immersed in the world, so deeply into the character's mind that you know how they would react, respond – hell, how they see the world. All interesting though.

I only like relying on other people for it when I can, though. When things are worth it. Here's to hoping I keep finding people who are.

Raissa's Word of the Day:

-Defenestrate: to throw someone or something out of a window.

Acceptance

I'm not exactly sure if I should be angry or not, but I think I've just settled on miffed and exasperated. (hehe, miffed is a funny word.) So, stupidly I started talking to Chris again, because I give people too many chances sometimes. He's been moody and strange lately, so I haven't been putting all that much effort into it. Well, today we're having a conversation about stuff, and he asks me if I know of any online places to meet people. I just replied no, not really; I tend to just pick up people by accident when I do, and usually from MUDs and stuff. So he's like … listing the people he knows, but doesn't include me. Which is fine; I really don't care if he doesn't mention me because I pretty much assume it's understood despite problems we've had. I do the same, listing just the people I talk to online. It's not that many, really, and I didn't mention him either. So he makes a snarky comment about me not mentioning him, at which point, I'm just … wtf? So that gets settled and then we keep talking. The conversation goes something like this (bold and italics added):

[09:00] Chris: This may sound especially callous, but half the reason I've been trying to reform my life is that I don't want to obtain your mindset. Of course I hope you feel better too.

[09:00] Chris: Now I just need to find reliable friends.

[09:00] Raissa: You don't want to obtain my mindset?

[09:00] Chris: I don't want to be constantly depressed, no.

[09:00] Raissa: ...Wow.

[09:01] Chris: That wasn't meant to be any kind of insulting at all.

[09:01] Raissa: Actually, I'm not. I've come a long way lately, and while I've been down a good bit, I'm accepting that the way I am isn't my fault - that I'm trying and people who actually care won't hold it against me.

[09:01] Chris: I'm glad.

[09:01] Raissa: That wasn't meant to be insulting? Jesus christ, Chris.

[09:02] Raissa: Fine. Then don't risk it. Don't talk to me, and we'll BOTH be happier.

[09:02] Chris: That's why I made clear to point out that I hope you feel better. And we don't talk so I didn't know that you were making progress, but I'm really glad to hear it.

(Raissa blocks Chris.)

Seriously. I may not be the happiest person in the world, and I may be moody sometimes, but I'm not constantly depressed anymore. I might sound delusional, but seriously. I'm not the happiest about how my life is going, but I'm starting to accept that it's not going to stay this way. Requisite Johnny quotes:

"Dear Die-ary, the passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often, it seems, I've succumbed to less-than admirable compulsions, driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine. So many things inside that I can do without - desires and urges and what not. So extraneous."

I'm learning to accept myself the way I am. Yeah, there are some changes I'd do well to make, but making too many would change who I am completely. And I kinda like having a different outlook on the world. It's not a bad one. It can lend itself to loneliness, because to see things differently isolates you. But wanting to see the world like everyone else does only uses flawed reasoning. We're unique for a reason, and it's about damn time I accept that. So I suppose I should be thanking him – except not, because his ego's big enough and he really offended me.

"Dear Die-ary, there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."

And on that note, my next new goal: to write a journal every day by at least listing a 'word of the day (or words if I feel the urge).' I'll be stealing it from dictionary.com unless I think it's too simplistic.

-----Raissa's Words of the Day for 3 April 2007-----

Profligate: openly and shamelessly immoral; excessively wasteful. Also, a person who is these things.

Cogitate: to think deeply or ponder.

Animadversion: harsh criticism or disapproval; remarks by way of criticism and usually of censure.

My word addiction never ceases to astound me. And on that note, I'm off to finish up a few things before work. I have an 'appointment' tonight for some awesome rp so I want everything to be done beforehand.